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Nov. 27th, 2011 @ 03:57 pm Alone again, naturally.
Listening to Gilbert O'Sullivan in this day and age is a bad sign.

I'm just feeling this thing and I figure I should write it down so that when I feel like this again, and it feels familiar I will know why. I never wanted to be someone who wasn't okay with being alone. It is much better to be by yourself, than be in an unhappy relationship. When I think about why Catalyst and I broke up in February this year I think it really comes down to not being on the same path or wavelength rather than any irreconcilable differences. We just didn't have the same approach to life. I wanted to try and fail and move and keep moving and he wanted me to stop. I would always say things like "I just can't wait for these three months to be over" or "things will be better after I finish this project, or assignment" and they never got any better. I don't think I knew how to value or appreciate him in the trying and wanting. Maybe it's because I felt he wasn't able to relate to my trying. But it's funny, now I am at the point where the trying is, for the most part, over and I have the time to invest in a relationship and I have driven him away. And now this place is really lonely.

Really lonely. Particularly given that this right now is my late 20's. I am three years from thirty as Ally McBeal once said. I don't have anything to hold on to. I don't have any job security, my family are all crazy, and I don't have anyone I can call at 3 am just to talk to without intruding. All my friends are very settled.

This is actually good that I am feeling this way. It means that I am thinking about it and dealing with it, and I need to. Of course, I need to pursue some new project to fill all this empty space that I have floating around me. But I might give it some time. I might give myself some time to come to terms with being a single unit. Table for one. Studio apartment. Twin-sized bed. Single pillow under single head.

When I was 12 and praying to god, I asked "please if I never find true happiness, can I have an important job that takes up a lot of my time, so at least I'll have something else to think about...." I was quite defeatist even back then. I should have kept trying for true happiness! Now I don't have either.

It is almost the end of 2011. Here is the year in summary:
I got a job working as a paralegal, finished uni, broke up with catalyst, mum retired and is living with me and driving me crazy, I haven't seen much of papa - his only friend in the world now has very bad Alzheimers and has been placed into a nursing home. I am feeling that that period just before Uncle Tom died, where I knew I wasn't spending enough time with him.

Current plan for 2012 is to move back to the city in a share house, have mum move back in with papa, find a steady job that pays okay, save money, make more plans, and so it goes.

I'm 27, and still no closer to being happy or fulfilled - and to make matters worse, it's nearly Christmas.
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constantnever
Dec. 24th, 2008 @ 12:01 am
I need to see a therapist.
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constantnever
Aug. 26th, 2008 @ 06:00 pm
I don't want to fuck this up.
But I think it's already fucked.

What is the point of being happy when no-one is happy that you're happy. It just makes your happiness miserable.
So I may as well be miserable.

I don't want to go tonight.
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constantnever
Jun. 23rd, 2008 @ 12:55 am
"Why do you get so trashed?" she said in her casual offhanded way.

"Because deep down... I'm desperately unhappy."

<awkward silence>
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constantnever
Jun. 7th, 2008 @ 11:35 pm death of a law student
Went to see Death of a Salesman on Friday night at the Seymour Centre with Candle and her friends.
It was superb.
It was the first four hours of this whole year that my mind was clear. It wasn't my anxiety that was on stage. It was other peoples. I engaged. I cried. I felt connected. I felt dejected. It was really really good.

It made me feel better about all my anxiety. It offered no cure, but some how relieved me.

I got the courage to tell Seldom that I think he is wonderful. I think he took it in a way that was warm and yet very distant. Either way I feel good about it because I don't think I made a fool of myself. I think I was just honest. It's hard finding beautiful people. When I meet them, I guess I just want them to stay in my life. Anyway, it's probably time to move on from Seldom. I know that I am 13 again, but I was hoping I would at least be a bit better at it this time around.

I have hardly done any work for these exams. My mind just won't concentrate. It doesn't want to.

I feel very alone at this phase of my life.

I asked Apple out (as friends). We are going to see a band. He is a really warm person. He brings out such openness in me. I recall what Home said: "Don't be with someone because you like who they are, be with them because you like who you are when you're with them."

My mind is swirling around in circles.

Keeping beautiful people in my life.
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constantnever
May. 27th, 2008 @ 12:29 am 21 things I want in myself
One day I will be able to sit down and say:

Hello world. I am good. So good I could be with someone magical. Here are my criteria for mysterious magical person. (insert my 21 things i want in a lover).

At the moment however. I'm not good.

I don't take responsibility for my actions. I hide. I'm still trying to impress people. I still don't feel comfortable in my own skin.

I had a really good high in April. April was a wonderful, magical month. I was playing music and falling in love. I was singing. I was writing. I was happy. Then along came May. There are no more songs in May.

I was thinking today about the day when Catalyst said "hey we should move in together" and I said no. I didn't want to at that point. Perhaps if I had said yes I might still be with someone. I doubt it though. You just had to scratch the surface to see that both of us weren't happy. I wonder why. Was I not happy because deep down I knew that Catalyst wasn't the right one for me? Or was I not happy because I can't maintain happiness beyond the honeymoon period?

I think perhaps the answer is in the fact that I wasn't happy with myself, so I couldn't be happy with anyone. No magical person can fix my 24 years of self hatred. Despite how magical they are.

I don't hate myself that much. I just hate my inconsistency. I hate my trashy drunk. I hate my need to be touched to feel loved. (Except for my moment with Seldom - I didn't need to touch him to show him my feelings, I didn't want to touch him because I wanted to show him how much I cared. I think he knows how I feel. Anyway back to other things...)

Before I can think of someone else: Here are 21 things I want in myself.

confidence - not arrogance, but quiet confidence. Knowledge that I am capable.
I want to take control of my decisions. If I do something, anything, it is because I chose to do it for whatever reason. I don't want to back down and say it was alcohol, or that someone else made me.
open - I want to embrace the world like a 4 year old child and encounter people without any pre-conceived ideas
I want to finish a goddamn song
I no longer want to be afraid of failure or things just turning to shit.
I want to talk to strangers.
I want to believe that 'it's okay' regardless of what it is.
I want to play my violin
I hate that I hide from my family. I wish I could be myself with them and still feel accepted. I know I would be, or at least I would hope I would be.
I want to feel like its okay to want to have kids and a partner to share my life with some day. I don't want to feel like I am a feminist cop out for wanting what 'society' tells me.
I don't want to feel like a feminist cop out. (I want to feel like more of a feminist even if I sometimes throw away germaine greer for a keg of beer)
I want to be someone who doesn't need to be in a relationship.
I want to be unafraid of the sasquatch.
I want to stop wanting to be all these things and just be them
I want to have an open dialogue with the universe
I want to stop second guessing
I want to not feel alone when I'm alone
I want to not feel alone when I'm in a crowded room
I want more time alone.
I want to smile more and wear my hair down.

Perhaps slightly over 21 things. but really its a figurative 21 and everybody knows it.
when I am all these things, or at least feel better about some of these things, I'll think about someone else.

I am, after all, a bit messed up right now... and that's okay.
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constantnever
May. 17th, 2008 @ 06:57 pm Status: Single
I am slowly merging my old journal with this one. It's hard trying to overcome the temptation to delete the corny posts and only keep the intelligent ones. But the whole point is so that there is one. No more compartmentalisation of my thoughts and ideas. There is one me.

Had sushi with Catalyst today. He said "why do you dip the seaweed part in the sauce and not the rice bit that will absorb it?" I didn't know what any normal person would have said, but I got so mad inside my head. I said "because I am not thinking... clearly" or something like that and he said "calm down."

I CANNOT EVER AGAIN LIVE UNDER YOUR SCRUTINY!

I have "emotionally battered ex-girlfriend syndrome."

Sometimes I don't park my car close enough to the car in front of me, sometimes I use more shampoo than I need to. All these things that I do that you just have to say something about, and not in a helpful way but in a critical passive-aggressive way. No more.

Number one most important thing I want in a lover: Someone who will just let me be. LET ME LIVE! Sweet jesus let me live!


That's all
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constantnever
Apr. 1st, 2008 @ 12:35 am
He didn't wish me Happy Birthday.

I know it's a non-event and he was probably like "those words would probably sound just as meaningless as any other two words I could coin, so I just left it. If you don't know what I think, then there's no point in me telling you anyway... man."

Maybe he forgot.
Either way his silence banged a resounding and painful gong in my ears.

It really is over.
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constantnever
Feb. 8th, 2008 @ 08:52 am
I had such terrible fears when I was a child. I was always afraid that someone would randomly break in to our house and kill us all for no reason whatsoever. I just thought that was how the world worked, or at least appeared to on the news. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night because of it. My mum used to say 'just wait and listen for the birds to start chirping.' Once you hear them, it means its already a new day and you are safe. They would always start chirping just before the sunlight would break through the darkness.

 It's time for me to move, to make a fresh start.
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constantnever
Jan. 28th, 2008 @ 08:19 pm Ok fine...
What would I do if today was my last day on Earth?

Let's see,  I would probably withdraw all the money from my accounts and then close them and give the money to my family. I would probably pack up all of my things and put them in boxes that have names written on them of who gets what. I might call my mum and my sister and my dad just to say hello, or I would go visit them for a little. I would throw out all the milk in my house because there is nothing worse then off milk and who knows how long it will be before they find my body. Ooh I would wear that red dress that I love and I would listen to Alanis Morissette. I probably should write a note saying goodbye to everybody or something, but I don't think I would be able to capture what I would really want to say, and then that note would be the last thing that I had left behind and I would be torturing myself over it in the after life.

Hmm, I don't think this is quite what they meant.
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constantnever